Bumbling deeper into the woods, the Fatman and The Flea Bitten one were taken by surprise, as a figure cloaked in darkness stepped from behind a pine. Grasping his walking stick ever tighter, the Fatman pulled himself straight, and spoke ‘Who is this that goes before?’

The figure cloaked in black, bowed low before the duo, and stepped further into the clearing. A change came about the interloper, as he settled his red and beady eyes upon the fatman.

Sugared glaz poured forth atop the darkness man, changing swiftly into a shape that rang sharply with the Fatman’s recent past. Doughnut shaped, and dripping with goo, the shape shifter posed, scent wafting with bakery allure.

‘Lo friend Frosty, it appears’ the Fatman spoke aloud, ‘that we find before us a creature of mythical lore.’

With bated breath, and hand drool wiping, quoted the Fatman, ‘Nevermore.’

As if on cue, the pastry poltergeist changed shape once more. Skin browning, bones elongating, a tasty fried chicken leg tempted them once more.

Lips smacking, brow perspiring, quoth the Fatman, ‘Nevermore’.

Once again it’s shape did change, flashing franticly until it’s shape did stick. A bowl of buttery popcorn sits.

Nerve dissolving, hunger evolving, quoth the Fatman ‘Well, maybe one more.’

Temptation flashing across his nose, the faithful sidekick Frosty stood as stone. Stomach growling, lips a’jowling, he could no longer resist the attack. A buttery treat he did snack. For popcorn was Sir Frosty’s mortal weakness, caring not it’s effect on his fitness.

The air of defeat and dissapointment hung thick throughout the village, as a mist descended up on the grounds surrounding the campire. Mustering courage long since lost, the amaciated viallager slowly approached the campfire. Laid out in a reclined postion, tankard of ale upon his chest, chicken leg clamed in his meaty paws, the once hero belched mightily whilst scratching his posterior. The villager flinched at the sound of the deafening bellow.

“M’lord” the villager squeaked. “I come to you chosen by the council.”

The former hero scratched once more and plucked a second chicken leg, glistening with grease.

“You see m’lord” the villager strengthened “it’s just…while we do not forget how great you once were, it’s just that now, you no longer fight to protect our boundaries. Our stocks or growing thin, and with the forces of Cellulitus continuing to encroach upon or borders, farming is at a standstill.”

Trumpeting loudly from the opposite end, giggled with simple glee at the note blasting forth from his backend.

Growing agitated with the great lump’s lack of attention, the villager grew more bold. “Frankly sir we see no reason to continue paying you the tithe, if you do nothing but grow fat and lazy. Why should we continue to provide you with feasts as we grow hungry?”

Attention finally caught, the bulky bravado turned at looked at the villager at last. “I am the Fatman!” he bellowed. “You worshipped me once, you are free to continue doing so as I see it.” Slurping from his newly tumbled tankard, the Fatman rose to a sitting position, growing angered by the villagers tone.

Tired of dealing with the billows of hot air coming forth from the leech of kingdom, the villager stood solid and stared down at the Fatman. “You know what? To be frank, you’re getting fat & lazy, and we don’t want to feed you any more. Put up or shut up. Pack your shit and hit the trail, or get back to work!” Stamping feet to hammer her point, the villager turned and began to stalk away.

Faced with the end of his free feasting, the Fatman fell back upon his rump in stunned silence. ‘I spose it’s only fair’ he thought. ‘I am staring to turn from Fatman to Fatass, and that’s not really a good thing. Matter of fact, I had a good thing going there. Besides, this campfire grows boring at any rate. Spose now’s as good of time as any, and I do hate those Cellulites so.’

With a might sigh the Fatman rose to his feet, staggering under the gained weight of his frame. Looking lustily and somewhat regrettably at his tankard of ale, the Fatman shook his head and tossed said tankard over his shoulder. ‘Frosty you flea bitten pooch, where the hell did I put that Sacred Chalice of Wa’Tear?’ Frosty the Flea Bitten licked himself and sighed as he laid down on his side. ‘Damn dog, it figures.’ Tossing gear aside, the Fatman dug deep for the sacred chalice.

‘Ah ha!’ he screamed. ‘Found ya. With the Sacred Chalice of Wa’Tear at my side, I can conquer anything!’ The Fatman stumped to the well in the center of the village.

With chalice filled, the Fatman stalked to the wooded edge of the village. ‘Frosty, walk!’ Frosty the Flea Bitten’s ears perked at the sound, as he jumped to his feet and ran to the Fatman’s side. ‘Ah yes Frosty my boy, prepare as it is time for us to wage war once again. The forces of Cellulitus are upon us once more, and it is, as it always was, our job to fight them back. We just lost focus there for a bit.’ Frosty the flea bitten wagged his tail, and licked himself once more.

‘You foul and evil creatures, lurking in the shadows, I see you. I see you as you ooze around the edges of MY domain, and together the Flea Bitten and I shall fight you back. Rue this day Cellulites, as soon it shall be your last.’

Drawing deep breath, the Fatman bellowed his battle cry to the depths of the forest, ‘RICH CREAMERY BUTTER!’ and with faithful companion at his side, he grabbed his war beaten walking stick, and stalked off into the forest to begin his war once again.

(as a matter of fact, he stalked off a little like this.)
To be continued…..

The Bird with the Crystal Plumage
The Last Man on Earth

Bug Exploration or: How I spent my walk slapping mosquitos

Q: The Winged Serpent
Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s a giant mayan god!

It’s 1982 and there’s mayhem abound in New York City. People disapearing from rooftops, and dead bodies found dumped missing their hearts. What on earth could this mean!?!? Have no fear, David Carridine and Richard Roundtree are on the case! Days upon days of their bumbling about turn up zero leads, but Michael Moriarty, and small time two bit crook, has the straight dope! Not one to miss a chance at capitalizing, he’s going to sell his info to the police, for a hefty price!

So yah, that’s the jist of it. First and formost, Q….isn’t so much of a horror movie. What Q is, is basically a police drama, with a giant monster thrown in for good measure. Sure, police dramas and monsters don’t normally make for a good combo, and Q really didn’t blow the curve for the rest of the class. That’s not to say it’s all bad though.

Q the Winged Serpent is cheese, to the highest degree. From costuming to dialogue, the film manages to evoke cheese-a-rifficness from ever pore. From hackneyed one liners, to scenes of David Carridine strolling about in a silk robe for absolutely no reason. There are some highlights hidden in there however.

Highlight number one: the plot. Yah, it’s far fetched, and pretty out there, but in this day and age of remakes and sequels, it’s original. A mayan cult has surfaced in NYC, and through countless sacrafices, they’ve managed to reawaken Quetzocoatl (I’m not going to even pretend that’s spelled right). Like I said, it’s out there. Original for the time, and different, and yah, there was probably some plot holes, etc. but what’re you looking for here? Shakespeare?

Highlight number two: the perfromance from Michael Moriarty. This guy was so over the top, it’s simply captivating. Portraying a neurotic two bit crook, down on his luck, with a chance to grab a cool Million and then some, the guy nailed it. Becoming more frantic as the plot thinkens, delving into manic streams of vitriol coming forth from this guy’s mouth, to smug and cocky tirades after holding the bait of the cops heads, and feels he’s getting his comuppance. At times crazy, and time’s deep and profound, this guy’s perfomance is the highlight of the flim. You’re going to laugh your ass off thanks to him.

So, Q The Winged Serpent is not a good movie. Not a blockbuster by any means. But as far as ‘Cinema Fromage’ goes, this one’s top of the line I tell ya. I loved every minute of it, and laughed for a good 95% of it.

3 Giant Chickens of Cheesiness out of 5

Deadtime Stories

Dipping once more into the ’50 Chilling Classics’ box set, this time we are presented with a collection of 3 shorts, told from the perspective of Uncle Mike, who’s nephew just can’t go to sleep without one more story!

Story one gives us a tale of a pair of witches, evil of course, who set out to bring their sister back from the dead. Kidnapping young strumpets from the near by village to use as a sacrifice in their archaic ritual, we watch as the sister begins to come to life. Story two is a modern (well, modern for 86) retelling of Little Red Ridinghood, complete with Wolf. Story three is the 3 Bears, with the 3 Bears being a family of lunatics freshly escaped from the local insane asylum, and Goldi Lox being a psycho killer, complete with telekinisis. (mind bullets!)

Story one is, well, kind a boring. Concentrating on the language of the dialogue, all party’s involved give a passable performance. Not much going in this one, but some of the special effects are pretty cool. For 1986.

Story two is where the camp comes in. With a obligitory 80′s masturbation scene, story two kicks off on a ….medium note. As the story progresses, we see the typical 80′s hormones at work, as Red and her boyfriend hide in the tennis court tool shed to take care of her pesky virginity. Throw in a werewolf as the big bad wolf, and our cheese rounds out nicely. Again, passable performances all around, and it’s campy, which is what we’re here for.

Story three is the highlight of this collection. Concentrating solely on black humor, the 3 bears is a tounge in cheek take at the psycho family. Filled with bad jokes, streched punchlines, hokiness, and a curvy blonde (don’t we all watch 80′s horror for the boobs?) we’re given nothing but pure camp filler. For the most party funny, worth a couple laugh’s, it’s fun just for the pure zaniness.

Deadtime Stories is a movie that is slightly above the bar for 80′s horror. Thought out, solid laughs, and a fairy tale retelling without going over the top, the film is a bit slow most times, but is worth it to get to the 3 bears. Let’s say that much like the proverbial snowball, Deadtime Stories gather’s momentum as it rolls downhill.

2.5 curvy blondes out of 5

For every person, every addiction has a starting point. Some place, some where, somebody offered said person that very first toke, that got them started on the long road of addiction.

As is fairly apparant as you glance back through the Cinema Fromage archives, that yes, I love bad movies. Especially bad horror movies. The term I like to use, is cheese, hence the Fromage of Cinema Fromage.

This past Sunday, Father’s Day in fact, I was given my Father’s Day present. 50 Chillling Classics. 50 horror and suspense movies, for the whopping price of $17. That’s proof right there, that this is going to be quality stuff, right? But remember, bad horror flicks is my schtick, so the gift was perfect.

As the Mrs. and I perused the stack of DVD’s contained within, I stumbled across a movie. A movie who’s title at first I overlooked, and as I flipped past, I stopped, and went back to read the plot again. As I read back through the plot summary, gears started to click, and soon, a wave of memories was upon me. Enough to almost make me stagger, and even brought a slight tear to me eye. It was the first horror movie I had ever seen.

No, I didn’t get misty over the movie itself, but over the memory that came along with that first experience, that started me on the long winding (and somewhat depraved) road that brought us to this little spot on the intarweb.

Many moons ago, 22 years ago to be exact, I was on my weekend visit to my dad’s. It was summer out, and not having much to do around dad’s place, it was decided that we’d go and take in a movie. Being 10 years old, I knew then that I liked movies. Liked them quite a bit, but in 1982, VCR’s weren’t a reality for the Gooch family yet, so our options were limited to what was playing at either of the local small town theatres. One, being your typical first run classic movie house, the other, being The Tri-Way Drive in.

It was 1982, Drive In’s were on the decline, yet ours was still running strong, but still wasn’t a first run movie house. So, it was always a toss up on what older movie you were going to catch, depending solely on what the owner could get at a budget for that weekend. Thus, the first feature watched by dad and I that night, was Raise the Titanic. Not a scary movie at all really, (hell, at the time, I found it rather boring) but it was movie all the same, and that’s what dad and I were all about. The weather was rainy that night, as we left the truck running, so that the windshield wipers could let us catch a slightly less blurry view of the big screen, as they tried to raise the sunken cruise liner. I can remember my dad growing excited as he noticed the very ship he was stationed on throughout his stay in Vietnam was used in the movie, as the main search vessel, honking his horn every time the ship showed up on screen.

The second feature of the night, was the movie that started it all. The very first horror film, at the tender age of 10, scared wittless in my dad’s truck, yet thrilled all the same. Feasting on smuggled popcorn in a brown grocery bag, drinking Orange Soda snuck into the theatre, inside the toolbox in the bed of dad’s truck. All memory, that were lost to me until tonight, when I stumbled across the movie you’re about to read.

As I mentioned earlier, I grew a bit misty once I stumbled across said film. The reason being a combination of the recent fathers day, stumbling across this once lost memory, looking back fondly as the waves of it crashed over me, long since forgotten since my dad passed away back in 1993.

I miss my dad a lot, I really do, but it’s memories like these, that catch you off guard, but leaving you feeling so very happy that you had that memory, and loving every minute of the recounting. Any many ways, hell, maybe in every way, my dad is the reason you’re here today reading my wandering opinions on all thing’s supposedly scary and crappy committed to film. If it wasn’t for him, I never would have gone to watch a horror film at 10 years old. I never would have returned the drive in with dad a few years later, to watch the dusk till dawn Friday the 13th marathon. I never would have watched a weekend’s worth of bizarre, low budget films by the stack, at home on his newly purchased VCR. Rather purposefully, or inadvertantly, he shaped my love of crap into what it is today, and for that, I thank him for it. It’s been a fun ride, and honestly, I’ve loved every minute of it.

The second feature of that fateful night 22 years ago?

Funeral Home.

You see, it’s funny that I rambled on waxing nostalgic, cause in all honestly? Funeral Home really sucks!

A teenage girl (whose name I’ve already forgotten) is moving to the country side, to help dear old granny convert her old family funeral home into a bed and breakfast. The summer starts out fun, but soon tourists begin to vanish, and Grandma grows increasingly adamant to stay out of the cellar!

Yes, I know it was the 80′s, but still, standards folks! Rather slow and unexciting, Funeral Home plods a long, much like Granny in her advanced years. Slow and lurching. Still, there are a few redeeming qualities. Unfortunately, the acting wasn’t one of them.

Wooden and stilted, we’re taking on this long and winding Sunday drive, but a troop of actors, who at the time, and even 26 years hence, weren’t much in the world of Hollywood. The skills show it as many of them are either over the top, under the table, and frankly, pretty boring.

The redeeming quality though, is the idea behind the movie itself, but really, that’s not their fault, because they borrowed heavily from Alfred Hitchcock who did it a few years earlier in Psycho. Still, they tweaked the main plot here and there, and in the end, you find yourself still watching, just to see where they’re going to go with it. Or maybe because you’re lulled into a bit a stupor. Hard to say really .

I’m lucky that with this being my very first horror film ever, that I still love them as much as I do today. But c’mon, to a 10 year old, this is heavy stuff!

2.5 lumbering granny’s out of 5

Six String Samurai
Horror Express
Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation
House of 1000 Corpses

Beneath the Planet of the Apes

This is what makes sci-fi fun folks.

In the first Planet of the Apes, George Taylor rocketed off into space, only to wind up unknowingly in the far future, with know way home. In Beneath, NASA is growing worried and send ‘Brent’ on a rescue mission. Eventually arriving at the same planet and time as George Taylor, ‘Brent’ embarks on his own adventure with that furry rascals of the far future.

Starting out, this movie’s simply, slow. A fairly straight rehash of the first movie, we go through all the paces of ‘human guy meets the monkeys’. About thirty minutes in or so, we wind up ‘Beneath the Planet of the Apes’ and that’s where the fun starts.

I’ll skip the details, cause the shock and awe of it all is part of the fun. There’s some far out stuff here! Fitting in with the era, we’re treated with all sorts of 70′s sci-fi theory, silly sci-fi costumes and the like. Most importantly, what really rounds this film out for this viewer, is that it’s just so damn angry! Building up for a grand finale of hate and vile, Beneath will quite possibly leave you pissed off and vindicated, all in the same viewing.

This is classic sci-fi, and if you call yourself an afficianado, you have to see it. It’s a requirement for your nerd license.

4 Heston loin cloths out of 5

V for Vendetta

The trailers left me some what sceptical, the film itself left me slack jawed and awed.

A future Britain has become a totalitarian society. Every aspect of life is monitored and watched. From mandatory curfews, roving wire taping vans, to your entire life being monitored and ruled by the government. Along comes the mysterious freedom fighter/terrorist, V to make a change. Starting small to grab attention, growing to large scale destruction to open the eyes of the public, we follow the adventures of V, and learn of his cause and drive.

I would love to go into detail on V for Vendetta, but it would take too much time and space, and frankly you would get bored of reading it. The movie is just that deep. Paralleling in many ways the current climate of America, the movie points a lot of fingers, and rightly so. Aside from the deep philosphy, the movie is also packed full of intrigue, action, and most of all, superb acting.

Bottom line, you need to see this. It’s that good, and I loved it. Warning: It WILL make you think!

5 shaved Portman’s out of 5

Starship Troopers

Some say classic, some say craptastic. Me? I like to say ‘eh, I still enjoyed myself’.

The bigscreen adaptation of the late great Robert Heinlein’s Starship Troopers is a mixed bag. This isn’t the book folks. There’s a lot of changes. Still, the foundation of the book is there, and that helps.

The things the movie does good? Action. Lots and lots of action. Plus, the military propoganda is there too, to highlight the absorption and annihilation of the world’s youth, thrown about like game pieces in a game of Risk. All without any remorse at that. As I said, the key themese of the book are covered, and really, that’s the most important part. As far as the plot, the film loosely follows Heinlein’s opus, more as a rough outline. The basic training is there, the all american youth being changed into a killing machine is there, they just go about it slightly different.

The bad? The acting. Phew. Casper Van Diem is a ham on his best days, and this really wasn’t his finest hour. (Note: I’ve seen him in far worse, so take that as you will) All parts are seemingly over acted, over the top, and full of cheese. Some will argue that this fits in with the overarching theme of the political propoganda, and I can see your point. It still comes off as bad acting though.

Starship Troopers is a fun movie. Matter of fact, after watching on Saturday night, I turned to the Mrs. and put it to her the best I knew how: (Mind out of the gutter folks) “This movie’s so bad, yet I still love it!” It’s one of those types.

3 Brain Bug Proctologists out of 5

The Librarian: The Quest for the Spear

Here’s a surprise out of TV Land for ya.

Filmed for TV (TNT) a few years back, I vaguely remembered hearing about a Indy Jones esque film staring Noah Wiley. Doesn’t really strike you as a must see, yah? Well, get over that.

As this movie started up, the first thing apparant was cheese. This is a cheesy movie. There’s no denying. As the plot unfolds, you soon realize that the cheese fits. With a light hearted take at action adventure staple, the Librarian actually works in many ways, that one wouldn’t expect.

The parody of the action adventure film, is subtle enough, that it is not blatent parody. In jokes, back ground shots, and props galore help to flesh out the film’s backstory, all while taking a light hearted shot at the greats. Add to that a superb cast including Wiley, Bob Newhart, Jane Curtin, and Kyle McLaughlin, and the acting side of things is covered.

The plot itself of The Librarian, is yet another high point in this film. With a solid adventure arc, and the path to get there an enjoyable romp, suck you in to the race to find the broken pieces of the Spear of Destiny before the evil Serpent Brother hood. With many ancient Mayan booby traps, humorous natives, and an evil bad ass chick, with an innocent girl like crush on the librarian, the story itself is as fun as everything else going on in the film.

And yet another point to flush out, is the idea of the Librarian society itself. An acient society stemming from the library of Alexandria, the Librarians are care takers of all the world’s relics and religious and historical treasures. Such as the Spear of Destiny, King Midas, Pandora’s Box, and on and on. Taking only one ‘official’ Librarian as the sole care taker and authority of such matters, professional Student (23 degrees) Noah Wiley soon finds himself as said care taker.

The Librarian is obviously not going to overtake the Indy Jones and the like as the adventure staple in your collection, but you will enjoy it

4 hot body guards out of 5

Evening Route

As soon as I grab the training collar, the atmostphere grows tense in the Fatman household.

“COLLAR! WE’RE GONNA GO FOR A WALK! WOOO! DAD! YOU’RE GONNA TAKE ME FOR A WALK!”

This carries on for the entire process of snapping on the training collar, etc. etc.

Then, this part being my own fault, I stop to put on my shoes. Then the whining starts.

‘Dad, you grabbed the collar, why aren’t we outside? What’re you doin’? You don’t need those! Come on, outside’s over here, over here dad, outside’s overe here!’

Finally, shoes laced we’re able to hit the bricks, and Frosty finally hits his stride as we head out for the evening jaunt.

Providing bedtime comes at a decent hour, we will be adding in the AM jaunt tomorrow, in hopes that it’s now light enough that Frosty is no longer afraid of the dark.

Wish me luck. I’m gonna need it.