This one’s so bad, I’m going to borrow straight from the IMDb:
“A long long time ago a wizard was put to death, but he swore vengeance on the townsfolk that did him in, particularly Arthur Kelly’s family. Arthur had done the final graces on him when he came back to life as Mr. Jack the Pumpkin Man. The Kellys proliferated through the years, and when some devil-may-care teens accidentally unleash Jack-O, young Sean Kelly must stop him somehow as his suburban world is accosted and the attrition rate climbs.”
Those damn devil-may-care teens. Always causing problems.
It’s been quite awhile since I stepped in a pile of dog shit, but history often repeats itself. In comparison, it’s been a long time since I’ve watched a movie so horrid that I couldn’t help but gaze in open mouthed awe. But, as our slogan says, that’s my job and history does in fact repeat itself! “Jack-O” had one deciding factor in it’s favor when I first decided to give it a go, and that ass-et was Linnea Quigley. Mind you, I do indeed love me some Linnea Quigley, but Ms. Quigley does not a good movie make. With this in mind I decided to try it regardless! Sometimes I get surprised! Thankfully, there’s a solid five minute fully nude shower scene which is the highlight of Ms. Quigley’s role. The thing is…it was the highlight of the whole damn movie.
There is some down right horrific elements in this mid 90′s bowl movement. Absolutely none of them have anything to do with dead wizards, or the pumpkin man. First and foremost, young Sean/David Kelley… how he won the starring role of this one is beyond me. Lifeless, unexciting, and frankly a bit slow, this kid is not an actor. Plain and simple. When you find yourself facing a giant scarecrow with a rubber pumpkin on it’s head, most would either laugh hysterically or run screaming. Not this kid though. He’s going to stagger back a step or two and mutter ‘oh no please no’ in the most dead pan voice possible. As a father, there was another element of the movie that scared me deeply. When Sean/David is getting beat up by bully’s, some random weird lady with huge hair stops to help him out. Before you know it, she’s walking him home, telling his dad that she ran into him at random on the street, and soon she’s practically moved in with the family. There’s not much on explaining why this family takes her in like they do, aside from Dad possibly being horny. Weirdo Lady wasn’t exactly a find, but she at least wasn’t a drooler. Mom on the other hand comes with a set of crazy eyes bugging out of her head and a serious case of mom-butt with those fashionable 90â€™s high wasted jeans that she wore pulled up to her nipples. The inhabitants of this small town are…scary. Except for Linnea Quigley. She must have gotten a flat and got stuck there. (And just to add here; I want Linnea Quigley to be my babysitter too.)
I find my self quite relieved to have made it to the end of “Jack-O”. I was somewhat fearful for my life in that if I had started drooling as this movie wiped out brain cell after brain cell, I may have electrocuted myself on the keyboard. Quite honestly and straight forward; “Jack-O” is boring as hell. It’s that bad. I try and entertain some idea that there’s something worth watching in any movie but with the dead panned incapable acting contained within, I do not lie when I say the highlight was the blond in the shower. You know, boobs.
Stay away folks. Ms. Quigley bares the girls in many other movies, take your chances with those. This one is an avoid at all costs.
.5 ‘Do not operate heavy machinery after viewing this movie’ out of 5
Dear god I need a beer.